Feelings...

This is something I could never show... Not to my brothers in Masyaf, not to anyone who see's me or has a small glance at me. Nothing can give away my emotions!
Not my eyes, lips, face, eyebrows, body... NOTHING! Such a thing could render a man powerless or open to any form of attack. However, there is a place where I can most definitely unwind and relax, show any emotion or feeling without any one knowing, seeing or hearing. This place is a safe haven for me to escape to. This is a wonderous meadow of peace, serenity and outgoing wonders. That place would be my very own private chambers. Only my master and people who have permission can enter my private chambers. I must say, my own master doesn't even know the 'real' me inside. He too only see's the assassin, not me... Altair, inside my soul. My eagle, it sores through the skys of my heart. Although I have all I have ever hoped to achieved however, my soul... my eagle is somewhat feeling like something is missing. I can't understand this myself... Maybe its just that I do need to have someone, trustworthy, loyal, faithful and kind enough to share my 'real' self with. But how would I find anyone that I can depend on, trust fully and know that they wouldn't laugh, or tell any other soul! That would never happen, no one could be trusted with my feelings or real thoughts. There isn't any one I have met that are that desent. Never... Not even a woman. I look a people and I know straight away if they are trustworthy or reliable. Malik... He is a good listener and can be an actual good friend however, if he knew how I deeply felt about things, he would probably laugh or wouldn't be able to restain himself from telling someone. He wouldn't understand me that way. No one would. Not even the master. He wouldn't tell a soul I know but he would forever dig. And I only wish to open up if I want to. I have never liked people who have to know others business or need to know every detail of your feeling in the day etc... However the master is very much like that, he too would probably not understand the 'real' me.

If only there were someone, someone in this world who feels as I do... Needing someone to depend on and trust. For once in my life, I want to know how that feels, to be able to trust someone because you know they wouldn't tell, laugh or raise questions or dig further for my information out of you. If only there was a companion that was loyal, faithful to the end. As I would be to them. If they treat me the way I want to be treated, I would treat them the way they want to be treated. Why isn't there any one I can find, meet even.. that would be that way. Maybe I ask too much of someone. Many women and men I have met all seem friendly and polite however I know I could not trust them with my 'real' feelings. They seem to know how to dig more and use it against me later in life. I will never allow that to happen... Never... Only if that person ever earns my trust. It would take them a hell of a long time however, if they... Who ever they are... Really wants to know me and be with me because of... me, then they would have that very thing I could hardly give away. I wonder know it feels to be able to trust someone with your feelings or thoughts. I would be nice, a nice feeling to know that you can trust someone for once in your life... No one has any idea... Not even I did until now... That how lonely my soul feels when I am within my secure walls of my chamber. I don't even write these feelings down in my journal. Its too dangerous to do so. When I am on a mission, someone could seek in hear and look for it. Even though I lock my doors and hide it somewhere that only I would ever know.

For once, I hope to find someone, anyone, a man or best of all, a woman... Who I trust with my soulful feelings and maybe... even my lonely heart. Don't get me wrong, my heart does like to have its lonely moments but I now feel that it wants companionship! It feels wired to even think that I, Altair the Assassin, is even thinking this.

God, I have never felt this way. Ever... Its kind of scarey although releaving. To be to think or speak to myself about this to get things off of my chest. Even if it sounds like I am talking to myself, but everyone knows that you can not have a good conversation unless its with your self. I couldn't care less what people think of me, this is my sancery for me to finally be myself and unwind. I can actually smile even though I can not share it with anyone. I have never even laughed along with someone before... Never even shared a sad or depressed moment with anyone. Its horrible to think that I could be this way for the rest of my life. However, I now feel, some form of hope, that someday... the person I wish for will turn up in front of me and then I would treasure them for the rest of my life. Man or woman. Because those type of people don't come around often and they two find it difficult to find someone like themselves like I do. And I would definitely, slowly, give them my trust in return of theirs, and their soloumn voul that they would not tell a soul etc... And I would do so in return.

Thinking of that person does make me smile, it gives me some hope that the world isn't filled with people that are mindless, evil, mislead, unkind people. It would show me that there is someone, in this world, like me. It would be, sensational to find that person. I only hope to find that person soon, or in the near future.

Who ever you are... I will find you and you will meet me, Altair, the Assassin.
I will... Most definitely

Give this time...
Give it time...